


It Makes a Home

by JoyfullyDreadful



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Bipolar Bokuto Koutarou, Bokuto has a mood disorder, Character Study, M/M, Very personal, a look into his mind, inspired by my own mood disorder, kind of a character study of bokuto, no betas we die like men, the bokuaka is clearly there but uts kind of background tbh
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-01
Updated: 2020-02-01
Packaged: 2021-02-27 19:08:57
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 786
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22500748
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JoyfullyDreadful/pseuds/JoyfullyDreadful
Summary: Bokuto knows the coming episode is a bad one, and despite the assurances of his friend and family and boyfriend it still creeps up on him and makes a home in his mindOrBokuto has a mood disorder, and a bad episode sneaks up on him. A look into his thoughts as he deals with it.
Relationships: Akaashi Keiji/Bokuto Koutarou
Comments: 10
Kudos: 104





	It Makes a Home

Bokuto knows the episode is going to be a bad one. Maybe it’s the growing sense of unease in his chest that warns him, or maybe it’s the way that he begins to search for things that aren’t there. Maybe it’s the way that he begins to search for assurances in others, but deep down he knows it’s coming because he knows himself better than anyone.

He knows that Akaashi notices a bad episode is approaching because he becomes more patient. He doesn’t get on to him for his excitement, and in the late hours of the night when the two are the last ones left in the locker room, he takes the older boys hand in his own and begins to whisper small assurances. He tells him that he is amazing, and he will love him, always. That doesn’t stop the episode from creeping up on him.

It whispers in his ears, crawling up his back. It flutters its fingers over his body, and it claws into him without mercy. It latches on and refuses to leave. In the late hours of the night when no one else is around, it crawls into his mind and makes itself at home. It creates a place to rest, telling the boy that it was there to stay. It purrs in delight when the boy begins to listen, blunt nails scraping against his scalp.

His mother notices the second he comes downstairs, taking in the bags under his eyes and the faint nail marks that lie on his neck and arms. She gives him a smile, kisses him on the head and whispers that it’s going to be alright. She tells him that he will make it through this, just like he always has. It unfurls from its place of rest in his mind and it latches on again, telling him that she is lying. It tells him that this time it is here to stay.

He gets to school and Akaashi takes his hand in his own, giving it a kiss and pulling the older boy into a hug. The younger boy holds him and tells him that it’s okay, he loves him and he will help him through this. It cements itself further into his mind and it tells him that the other boy is lying. No one could ever love someone as broken as him.

He goes to class and its presence is demanding. He retains nothing, blocking out the flow in information in favor of listening to it. He fails to notice the concerned looks of his teachers and the pitying looks of his classmates. Lunch comes around and it latches its claws into him, demanding his attention. It whispers in his ears, fluttering over his body. He eats with his friends in silence, unable to hear them over it speaking in his mind. 

He returns to his classes and he blocks out his teacher again. It is pleased with him, purring in his ear. It tells him he doesn’t need to listen anyways because even if he did he would never amount to anything. Class ends and he heads to volleyball, it crawls over his body, breathing down his back. Practice is quiet and he fails to notice the pitying looks his teammates give him. He can’t tell if the silence is caused by It or if they’re not speaking to him. It tells him the cause is the latter.

Practice ends and suddenly he is walking home, Akaashi by his side. The younger boy takes his hand again, pulling him into an embrace. He tells him that everything is going to be alright. It tells him that nothing will ever be okay because he is broken. The boys part ways and then he is at home, sitting at the dinner table with his family. Dinner is had in silence, and when it’s over his mother kisses him on the head. He attempts to smile at her but it comes out forced. 

He tells his family goodnight and heads to his room. One he is there he turns off the lights and gets in his bed, taking a deep breath. It unfurls from his mind and takes him into its embrace. It curls over his body, breath ghosting over his skin. It begins to whisper again and his nails find their home in his skin. The night is a sleepless one. 

The morning comes and it retreats into his mind again. He enters the kitchen and fails to see the sad smile his mother gives him. This episode is going to be a long one and it’s going to be a bad one. He knows because he knows himself better than anyone else.

**Author's Note:**

> I chose to write about bokuto bad episode the same way I experience my own bad episodes, which I experience as a result of my own mood disorder. 
> 
> I hope you enjoyed, and as always, comments and kudos are appreciated.
> 
> You can find me on tumblr as JoyfullyDreadful


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